i love y’all. i do. but there are some things that need to stop happening on facebook, so i’ve made a list. i know there are a bunch of these that have gone around, but i’m hoping that if i create my own, i can move on with life. and i will acknowledge, i have been guilty of some of these in the past. the order in which these are listed does not reflect ranking on the annoying scale.
you know what this is. somebody posts a status that goes something like this: “well that’s just great. SO annoyed.” or “omg i just heard the best news ever!!” or “ugh hopefully i won’t need surgery :(” these wouldn’t be so bad if there were elaboration about each of them, but nope. they put it on facebook for all to see then leave anyone who cares enough to “like” or comment in purgatory…which is the goal of these posts. the way i see it, vaguebookers are looking for two possible outcomes: 1. they are trying to communicate a specific (although veiled) message to somebody that they HOPE will see it without actually having to directly communicate with said person. or 2. they are seeking attention. plain and simple. maybe it’s that if somebody tries to dig into their personal business (which they have clearly announced they have, without giving details) they feel special. or important. i don’t know.
*exceptions: if you decide to post a status like this, then give an explanation in, say, the comments section, carry on. then it wouldn’t be vaguebooking, now would it?.
2. political posts
i almost feel like this needs no explanation. my main problem with political posts and debates on facebook is that the parties involved have far too much keyboard confidence, and if somehow they ended up in a room together, they wouldn’t be brave enough to be as mean and hateful as they are within the safety of the cyber world. i wonder if people realize that what happens when they post some obnoxiously arrogant and/or sarcastic political article/post actually doesn’t work in their favor. rather than appearing right, smart, sane, educated, or elite, they appear harsh, immature, snide, or patronizing. the reality is, a lot of people are already secure in their political views, so posting anything political is likely your attempt at saying something about yourself. maybe it’s a need to be right? maybe you feel like once you hit “post” you are somehow validated, and once it’s out there, it can’t be removed. facebook gives it permanence, which might make you feel more secure in your view. i don’t know.
*exceptions: non-biased, purposely educational posts (i’m not actually sure those exist), or if you have a legitimate question about something you may not understand
3. poor sportsmanship
a little friendly trash talk is fine, so is an overabundance of team support. these are great. what drives me nuts is when people turn into babies about stuff. seriously if i hear one more “tarhole” “dookie” or “bandwagon” i might scream…or any other immature expression you come up with. your team loses, cry me a river. i often wonder what came first…the craziness and character lapses that happen over sports, or the huge sports industry itself? i guess it doesn’t matter…they feed each other. and posting articles, videos, or any other form of media that explains why your rival team is just so horrible isn’t a good luck, either. like the political posts, this, too, only reveals qualities about yourself as opposed to the winning and/or rival team. perhaps being so negative and upset somehow makes one feel better about a loss? i don’t know.
4. the play by play
i’ve seen this come in 2 forms: the first is the outline. this is a post that usually comes in the morning…”woke up, peed, stretched, walked downstairs, sat on the couch, yawned, realized i need to get moving, watched tv, ate something, let the dog out, went upstairs, showered, got dressed, dried my hair, brushed my teeth, did my make up, put my shoes on, went back downstairs, walked outside, got in my car, turned my car on, backed out of the driveway, drove to work, found a great parking spot, walked inside, and sat down at my desk. it’s gonna be a long day.” or, it may be an announcement of what you anticipate your schedule will be for the remainder of the day. the second is the update. “just got to work!” “eating lunch!” “it’s almost 5 o’clock!” “getting in the car to drive home!” “just got home, time to start making dinner!” “dinner was awesome!” like come ON. i’m actually having a hard time coming up with a reason why people do this. is it to seem busy? i don’t know.
*exceptions: maybe your phone is dead and your family might need to know what you’re doing? but then you can’t update them in the moment, unless you just so happen to be near a laptop or desktop while you’re at burger king for lunch. hmmm
here we go. i’ll give my comments under each photo.
– first off, the taste bud.
just keep your tongues in your mouths. please.
– the model mayhem profile pic.
you are not a model. (unless you are…in which case you STILL shouldn’t be posting selfies because there should be plenty of photos of you taken by actual legit photographers)
– the dreaded duckface.
i just don’t understand how the duckface trend even got started. i mean LOOK AT THAT PICTURE! I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!! why do people do this???? imagine if you somehow didn’t know about this whole duckface issue and you saw a picture that looked like this. i mean, you would think it is dang weird. BECAUSE IT IS.
– whatever these are.
cute teeth…and nostrils. i can almost see your other eye!
ok. where’s your face.
looking straight to the bosom of Christ. hallelujer!
– the bathroom shot…wait, is this about your outfit?
this one probably annoys me the most. what goes through your head? i HOPE it isn’t something like “omg i’m so cute today. i need to put this on facebook…people need to see this.” i mean just typing it sounds ridiculous because i can’t imagine somebody actually thinking or feeling that. you get dressed and think you are just IT and have to show the world? scary. seriously, this quality is scary for the human race.
– the sexy eye patch.
sooo you’re blind in one eye?
– the sleeping selfie. (how does this work?)
you’re sleeping, eh? who took that pic again? oh.
– probably my favorite…the money shot.
hey buddy, is that the 10 bucks you owe me?
y’all. i just don’t know.
*exceptions: if you work as a photographer, please take some pictures of yourself…you should be on the other side every now and then, if your hair has just changed drastically, if you are in costume and/or crazy costume/stage makeup, if you are with a friend (which wouldn’t really be a selfie…just make sure you are doing NONE of the above), if a butterfly happens to be on your face at the time, more stuff like this
**editor’s note: i COMPLETELY forgot to list baby bumps as an exception (not sure how i forgot that), but please, we all truly want to see the beautiful life growing inside of you 🙂
so now that i’ve made you feel like a total idiot, please know that i recognize that there plenty of things that i should probably stop doing on facebook…which makes me feel like an idiot, because i don’t know what they are. i think the bigger thing that we should all probably start to investigate (definitely me) is why we think what we post on facebook is important. why do i think somebody needs to see my outfit today? why am i concealing details about my life while also putting on display that i’ve got drama going on? what is my gain from it? i understand how easily facebook can become a diary, because it is a huge platform for expression of many different things. maybe it would help us all to remember that it is also public. i don’t know.